It Gets Better

I feel the need to talk about the issue of suicides specific to LGBT youth. Here's just one of many news reports. I have mulled over for a least the last month on how to express my thoughts. The date on this post is when I first started typing. There are too many ways to express them. November 9th just before 11:00 pm is when I pressed 'publish post'. I can't seem to say what I want even with editing. So this is my attempt.

It may come as no surprise to some of you, but it will be news for most of you, that for about 7 years I was verbally abused by my peers. Go figure, it isn't something I have wanted to discuss. As I write this my heart beats faster and I am sweating a little. This is uncomfortable. I was tormented, taunted, harassed, embarrassed, labeled. I was filled with doubt, fear, shame, confusion, uncertainty. I was bullied for acting, looking, sounding, and otherwise being gay.

Just to be clear I wasn't nice to everyone either. In fact, I was down right mean to a few people. I have tried to remedy those in my post high-school years. Kids can be very mean. I'm sure they always have been and they will continue to be. I think most of it is the process of modeling adults and peers and learning from mistakes to be a socially acceptable person who builds instead of tears down. But I think what I'm talking about, the experience of being harassed for being gay is on a totally different level. It's not really something people can stop making fun of because you grew out of the awkward pre-teen self. It runs deeps along the lines of culture, language, religion, skin color, and ethnicity.

I have tried to figure out why everyone else thought I was gay. Now, when I say everyone else, I don't mean that literally. But the continuous torture made it feel that way. More realistically it may have been a group of ten or more guys. The reason I say that is because I have a memory in high school of walking by a big group of guys, the guys who made fun of me. To this day I'm sure I suffer from mild emotional and psychological issues related to the harassment.

So here's what I came up with. I was skinny. I had a pretty face and long dark eyelashes. Apparently it looked like I wore mascara and blush. I wasn't into sports. I really enjoyed dancing. I really enjoyed the arts in general: drawing, painting, photography, architecture. It may be an over simplified memory, but I remember being just ahead of the fashion curve. One year I altered my mom's overalls. The next year guys bought them in the store. I wore the vest from my dad's three piece suite. The next year guys wore vests. Interestingly, when I wore those things I was made fun of. I was (and still am) concerned about my looks from my balding hair to my ugly toes. I have two older sisters who enjoyed dressing me during my early teen years. Nothing against them, but that probably didn't help my situation because I was in 6th grade, not my junior or senior year of high school. The 80's music icons were fairly girly looking. Why? Why? Why? Anyway, moving on ... I was always good friends with girls. In junior high and high school girls weren't the ones harassing me about being gay. I believe I continue to have stronger friendships with women because I fear in some way that guys will reject me. I think people, possibly more so men, get confused when they meet a heterosexual who is stereotypically gay. Their brain can't handle the apparent mismatch. Maybe that's why I only had maybe two or three really good guy friends between middle and high school.

It doesn't really matter why people thought I was gay or if they still do. Nobody should be treated that way for seemingly being different. Nobody should be treated that way for really being different. I wonder how many other boys and men share my experience? I wonder if culture and society can socially condition stereotypically gay boys to be gay? It's one thing to question your sexuality on your own. It's another to be told over and over that you are gay for the way you are. I have more thoughts and questions related to religion but I am having a difficult time articulating them. Let's just say that with my LDS culture I'm glad I'm wasn't gay.

I think the nightmare started in 6th grade. A boy asked me everyday if I was gay. Over and over and over and over. One day I finally told him what he wanted to hear. He gasped, laughed, and pointed his finger at me. I didn't know what to do. I didn't tell anyone. I'm sure he told all his friends.

Thankfully I was never physically abused. I avoided being alone in bathrooms and locker rooms. I avoided those who I didn't want to associate with and when it wasn't possible I pretended I didn't hear them. Walking in the hallways at school was awful. I wonder how much of a better student I would have been if my brain hadn't been occupied dealing with this.

Also, thankfully I came from a stable family (I think we were in the range of "normal" disfunctionalities) and I had a small core group of guy friends, most of whom were from my church.

I don't remember a specific moment when I thought about ending my life. I know I thought about it. But I think it was more in generalities, a fascinating curiosity about death. I think I heard it's normal to ponder death during those years. And if you compare me to the spectrum of risky behaviors I probably wouldn't have even registered. Which is not to downplay the turmoil of the harassment. Maybe the strong family and friends were more of a support than I knew. In addition, as curious and confused as I was I didn't understand or totally identify with being gay.

It got better. It got way better after graduating. No, after the all night graduation party. I went to Europe by myself to visit a couple friends. Then in the fall I went to the University of Oregon where I had a bunch of fun and learned a ton. Then I went on a mission for my church to Buenos Aires where, with it's range of experiences was educative and worthwhile. Soon after the end of those 2 years my life crossed paths with an amazing smile, a strong ambition, a smart mind, a caring heart, a giving hand, and traveled feet. A real woman. We have been married 11 years. We have 3 kids. We are more in love than when we got married. Things are way better.

I understand that the heterosexual road to 'it gets better' is different and quite possibly easier. Though, that's like comparing apples to oranges. :-) But the destination, amid the roadblocks of inequalities placed by ideologies, manipulations, and misunderstandings, is the same.

My point with all this is that nobody should have to endure years of harassment for being gay, whether they really or not. Those years that are by nature awkward are uniquely compounded into awful when tormented. Don't be part of that. Don't let your kids be part of that. Don't let your friends be part of that. Be better than that. Even though I am not gay I want to add my voice of experience and empathy. I want to echo the reassuring hope-filled message aptly titled It Gets Better. Because it does.

I haven't been able to write about all the related issues, namely religion. I just want to say that I don't agree with my church getting politically involved in California's Prop 8. Separation of church and state. If you believe homosexuals are living in sin and therefore should not be allowed the rights and privileges I enjoy, congratulations, you can recognize sin in someone else! (John 8:2-11; and in the Book of Mormon Mosiah 29:12) ... The movie Lord, Save Me From Your Followers was very interesting (it's in Netflix). ... This article about the Boy Scouts of America and this follow up to that article (and people's comments) were interesting as well. ... This recent statement from the LDS church sounded hopeful. ... after the HRC's critique of some LDS leaders' words... and this is how It Gets Better all started as embedded on TED.com. ... and this is one viral example (Texas city councilman Joel Burns) of support for recognizing the error in bullying, marginalizing, suppressing, and legalizing limiting a person's right to pursue happiness.